Night of Jan 9/10th 2013

 Note: I may not be in the right mindset to analyze this dream because I am so frustrated with my partner yet again coming home so late from work. I can't make it any clear, I can't show any more understanding. I've tried to be considerate, that's all I've been doing. But damn it your work does not define your love for your family, being with your family does. Pressure from work, or pressure from me, unfair right. But I make it a point to help make everything else easier for you. I hate that I am even at such a point where I feel I need to list them all again. Its a job that requires you to work later than average, I have accepted that and made adjustments in our schedules and lives so that its okay. But when our agreement is for you to be home by 6pm for dinner so I can write and you can have baby time, prove you do care more about us than your work and impressing your bosses. I am not unreasonable (as I kept trying to tell myself I was being). This is just ridiculous. [See next posting for essay on how an ideal Earth existence would be as suggested by the dreams where I am living separate, which I will note, I wrote before this all exploded today, yesterday when I was in a very calm place.]

Dream: Jim and I are in a beautiful hotel room filled with a glowing warm light of colors you'd see at sunset. The room itself is shaped like a plus sign combined with an asterisk. One small arm is a transparent material ceiling to floor like glass walls that let in the colors of the sunset. Everything is white and clean. This must be another taste of heaven. We are in bed relaxing. I stand up chuckling at some crack he made. Two figures in black bust in, a female and male, one from either door armed with silencer handguns. She puts a round directly in Jim's chest, I try to run and am stopped before I make a full stride by a pop in my back that topples me forward.

My perspective shifts around. I am the female assassin. She is applying two shades of lipstick to make the desired color in the mirror at her dimmer apt, reveling in her kill. Her boyfriend walks in questioning what she's doing. He is offensive toward her, but she knows she is superior in skill and only lets him push her around because of loyalty before she got into the business. His appearance and soberness is that of a stereotypical white trash deadbeat guy who makes his partner do all the work and take all the risks. She is going out to meet her contact in the lobby and celebrate success of her mission. She dons black, tight clothing. Somehow my subconscious likes to use stereotypes. I do not watch many shows that would contribute to the kinds of things I dream about. I watch Star Trek, not crime and acrobatic, over-sexualized assassin shows. Only thing that comes close is Xena. This analysis is brought to those who are curious if any visuals from my life are affecting my dreams sequences by the numbers.

This boyfriend grabs her suggestively to assert his dominance before she ducks out. She believes she is finally free of some obligation she made long ago to an invisible/elusive authority. Freedom feels around the corner.

She goes to the lobby bar of the hotel in which she assassinated the two (us). Bartender says their is a celebration coming. People are going to be gathering. [What are they celebrating?] She says she is here to meet someone, but exaggerates her excitement and interest in the festivities he mentions are scheduled for the day with an air of flirtation. "Not for you though. You don't get to celebrate." She halts. "What?" "You didn't finish the job." He is her contact. She leans in closer and lowers her voice. "What do you mean? I did my job. I got them both." "You didn't complete the job. The woman is pregnant and the baby lives." I, as both the assassin and the woman shot and pregnant, perceive the image of a fetus in the body of the woman on the floor beside her bed in a sort of zoomed-in, x-ray kind of vision overlapping what I see in front of me of the lobby and bar. "Damn it." She looks back to the contact. "You let him know I am finishing the job." She bolsters her certainty as prevention from her big boss sending a clean up man after her. (She didn't think those words, just had the feeling that she would be forced to relinquish her freedom in the field to work missions because she would no longer be trusted to complete her assignments. She would be eliminated the last moment before she won her freedom from the job overall.) She rushes off.

Back in the room, I am healed somehow, or didn't really get shot.. not sure how, but I got up and felt grief at the sight of Jim laying still where he was shot. He suddenly awoke as well. Shocked, I ask him how this is possible. He shrugged it away with some arrogant comment about how much more difficult it is to kill him. Bullet must not have been fatal was what I thought. He moved off the bed to me. We were both relieved to have survived but were nervous about the attempt. The assassin burst in again, her black clad obvious against the white of the room. Jim covered his body with mine as we pushed around the corner out of sight for a moment from her aim. He motioned me to leave, saying/or thinking it was not worth it for us both to die and logically being already shot (again, not sure how I wasn't all of a sudden), him being shot again would only bring about the inevitable and allow me to escape instead of us both dying. I sobbed but ran for the opposite door, knowing arguing would be a pointless risk of time. I ran through the lobby. The hotel and surrounding areas were alerted that I was escaping. Everyone suddenly became in on this task to kill us (reminisces of a few other dreams). I was switching back and forth perspective between the runner and the pursuing assassin.

Hotel's entire side is open to the air. A flat rock top blends from the lobby floor as a view point. Large rocks line the downgrade drop off the mountain top this hotel is apparently built on. Patrons are gazing at the sky after the setting sun. I run and jump right off the side, and roll down the dirt side of the mountain. The assassin involved the patrons in lighting bombs to throw down at me, convincing them I am a threat and need to be stopped. They all participate in throwing bombs. I find a ditch near the end of my momentum and fall into it, avoiding two bright explosions nearby that didn't seem destructive enough to be bombs because the explosion only spanned like five feet diameter making large circle of brightness and going out just as quickly. Without much affect around the brightness. I expected to see dust and smoke. Must not have been bombs like we know them to be. Assassin says "She will make a run when she thinks it is safe. Just hold your fire." When quiet for a few moments, I run again. I am able to evade the bombs miraculously.

Runner approached a tall, barbed wire fence with guards posted at exits. I sense the knowing that this is a middle eastern country. I wouldn't be able to maneuver my way past the guards and I couldn't climb over the fence before being shot down or caught in the spirals of wire. A way suddenly opened up for me, like a tear in space to another area. The tear is a vibrant blue whereas the area beyond the fence (what should have been what I was seeing but the tear was there instead) was the brown of the dirt. I step through into this scene of a little bridge over a creek leading to an outdoor round shelter like that during the song Sixteen going on Seventeen in Sound of Music. A group of people sitting in the shelter for a teaching or story invite me over. I hide among them listening and paranoid. Anyone around me could turn and be one of them.

Analysis: Problem with dreams is how many different ways of interpreting them. It could have dark connotation, it could have answers to my previous post's questions, it could be experiences of another life or another existence in a real realm we go to when we sleep, it could be deliberate or random creations of my brain without any structured attempt to mean anything worth considering and analyzing at the depth I do. Or, like this blog is all about, it could be clues to greater questions of our existence and beings beyond ourselves and abilities beyond our physical limitations that we can choose to ignore or explore. This is my ongoing battle: ignore or explore. I wrestle with it every week. Why can't I just dream about lovely things. Why must I be so doubtful and wishful of greater mysteries that I dream in metaphor. Am I both the assassin and the woman who was living in relative paradise with her partner? Is that demon from before a part of myself? I have been sensing the need to embrace my masculine, confrontational, confident side since my search into realizing an enlightened state has focused me a lot on my feminine side. There is a benefit to bringing that demon side along as a balancing force for what we are in this physical existence. I have been trying to overcome it, as if that is the goal to reaching a higher state of mind. Really I should be trying to accept and love what I am. The dark side of myself is still only trying to find a freedom from the ruling power that holds her. She is told to kill what is essentially her good twin (since both are me) to achieve this victory. But she is wrought with fear as well, she just controls it better than the other twin. I am striving for a cooperation between the two. Again, though, how do I reconcile the part about my dark twin that uses her sex appeal to her advantage... yes that is different from my message of open expression of love without barriers that society and religion and this existence of living with doubt and fear and jealousy impose. Yes, I know that is not the same thing. That I do not use on those I care about, but as a skill to create necessary change or missions for good (dirty work if you will). I have had missions before where I have done this and known that I am an agent for good, and it is a skill to use only where necessary. So then my issue is about turning that off if and when I see my childhood friend. He is like a stranger to me, and yet I feel connected to him with a compassion I want to offer to him more than anyone I have felt ever could benefit from patience, and understanding, and touch, and love coming from me, this vessel. Next challenge is all the other 'patrons' that my dark side convinces to participate in the bomb dropping on me. I don't know what I did wrong in the dream, why they were after us. Why were they after us? Well, in my waking reality, because no one wants to hear the kind of message I am trying to send about love. But if I am to fight for this idea, I need to trust it enough to do it, right? I am afraid of this. I am afraid of hurting people without meaning to. I can't control that.

What was significant about me being pregnant and the baby being a threat to them? The baby didn't feel like my current child. Was it a sign I am pregnant (I hope not)? Was it a metaphor for the seed of the message I carry?

Note: This entry written day after title, on the 11th.